As I lay on the floor crying my only thought was “What the hell are you doing?”
I probably shouldn’t have been on the floor. It’s hard and it makes your ribs hurt if you lay there too long. Nobody should spend any serious time on the floor without there being sex or yoga (Or both) involved. Regardless, that was where I found myself. My mind managed to convince me that not only did I deserve to be on the floor, I should stay there for half an hour.
My son found me first. He sat down next to me and asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn’t and he rubbed my back for a while. When he was bored, he turned on the Xbox and started playing Sonic Generations. (One of the better Sonic games.) Considering he’s autistic and empathy isn’t his strong suit, I’m glad he managed to care about my pain for that long. I probably scared him.
Eventually, my son went to get my husband and told him I was lying on the floor. He came in and talked me into laying on our bed. It’s much more comfortable than the floor. I cried and apologized until I fell asleep. He listened and assured me that I had nothing to be sorry about.
This is the part where I’m supposed to talk about overcoming my mental illness. I’m supposed to say that days like this are few and far between and that I’m getting better every day.
Surprise! This isn’t the case.
Depression and I have been really close buds since I was around thirteen. My days are always dampened by my personal raincloud that follows me around. Some days I can force it into submission. Days when I can laugh and joke with the best of them and nobody would even suspect that I was perpetually miserable. Other days, I was much less pleasant to be around.
I’ve been in therapy and on various meds on and off for about fifteen years. I would feel like I could manage on my own and stop taking the medication when I was younger. I wouldn’t always go to my therapy appointments. Sometimes, I felt like I didn’t need to. Others, my paranoia kept me from wanting to talk to her. Eventually, I would end up in Relapse City and I would feel worse than before.
I don’t have great coping skills and I used to take a lot of mental health days off from work. I never lost a job because of it but my work performance was terrible. On the days I would show up, people could tell that I was going through the motions. I’ve gotten better at faking “okayness” over the years. I force myself out of bed and down the highway to work nearly every day. I wear my mask and make nice with my coworkers. I bet only one or two could ever guess I was depressed but only because there were doing the same thing.
I’m back on the wagon for the time being. I’m taking my medicine daily and have started talking to a therapist online. It’s not the same format that I’m used to, but I like the informal format. I can take my time with responding without being judged and it’s cheaper than going to sit in a clinician’s office once a week. If you are having problems with finding someone to talk to locally, I would suggest betterhelp.com. There’s even a week long free trial so you can feel it out.
Every day is a struggle and I’ve accepted that. I can’t promise that I won’t end up on the floor again cause it’s freaking hot outside and the tile floor is much cooler. As long as I manage to pick myself up again, I’ll be fine. One day at a time, right?