Day 57: Reflection

If anyone tells you depression is fake or easy to deal with, you should question their sanity.

It’s the hardest thing about my life. Having to make the conscious decision to keep going. Not daily. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes minute by minute. I have to keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and push myself forward.

There are days when the struggle is easier. Days when the clouds part slightly and you can feel the sun’s warmth on your face. These are the days when people can’t believe you struggle with mental illness. It happens for some more than others.

I’m the type that can have one or two pretty okay days but will have a rough two to for days afterwards. It’s not a perfect cycle, but it’s fairly consistent. My mood changes and there isn’t anything I can do apart from riding it out. I  try to hide from the world on these days. Thinking that I shouldn’t be more of a burden than I have to be, I lock myself up at home to wallow in my self loathing. It doesn’t always work because I can’t get out of work all the days that I may need to or my son needs me for something. I’m not always crippled to the point of total inactivity but it still happens. I’m not a pleasant person to be around on those days.

I know my sickness puts a lot of strain on my life at times. I didn’t submit any schoolwork last week because I couldn’t make my mind work. I’m almost out of sick time at work. My husband is tired of me being in a nasty mood. Hell, I’m sick of myself almost constantly.

I can consciously know all of that and my brain still decides that I need to be constantly reminded about my piece of shit status. I know I’m not my favorite person but I’m working on it. My brain is my own biggest self love roadblock. It knows how I adore hearing internalized negative self talk all the fucking time. It’s not draining in any way.

I don’t have a positive message today. Just needed to vent a little. I’ll try to go back to being a ray of sunshine tomorrow.