Hey, y’all. It’s been a while.
I’ve returned as promised.
I’ve been receiving lots of messages about speaking my truth. Reminders to speak up. Reminders that my voice is important; that my voice is valuable, and my voice is needed. However, in the past few months I’ve had little to no desire to use my voice.
I’ve had a few days where I really wanted to put pen to paper and get my thoughts down, but I just couldn’t do it. I was consumed with everything. Work, feelings mostly. I wasn’t quite sure where to start. Or where to go.
I don’t know exactly what I want to say now. But I have to start somewhere.
That’s what I always told her.
Whenever she was finished wallowing around on the floor, I was ready to help her get up and wipe herself off. I am at that point now. I’ve been on the floor, wallowing around in my sadness. I’m ready to stand up and move again. Although I need the support.
The one I lost was my big support person. She would gas me up like no one’s business. She was my eternal friend and I miss her every day. It’s been hard carrying on without her the past few months, such as the way of the world. But honestly that’s what I was expected to do anyway. You get up you dust yourself off and your carry-on.
However, the person I am now demands that I give into my feelings. I need to give myself time to feel my sadness. To feel the weight of my loss and to be affected by it. I’ve had no desire to do that. I keep making myself busy with little projects. Work assignments and shopping for houses. Things to distract myself and my feelings. I know it’s not safe or healthy to put them away because they explode when I don’t take care of them.
I promised myself last year that I would stop doing such things. I wouldn’t put my feelings in a box on the shelf in my heart anymore. Although, when grief came knocking that’s exactly what I did to survive. I put my sadness and my loss in my heart closet and decided that’s where they would stay.
Even though I know that’s not practical long-term. Even though I know it’s much healthier for me to get things out. I am still growing as a person. I am nowhere near where I want to be even though I’m headed in that direction. I made a few goals at the beginning of the year and one of the most become a homeowner and I have almost accomplished that. I’m going to have to make more goals soon but I digress.
One of my ultimate goals is to write and I’ve been so cooped up with sadness that I haven’t been able to. I stifled my own voice. For the time being I’m working on coming back. I can’t be a writer if I’m not writing. And I’m not in the mood to be worried about such things as punctuation, diction, how this sounds to other people, etc.
I am just doing this to make my voice heard again. To share my feelings with everyone and remember that I’m not alone. It was the whole point in the first place and I think I forgot that somewhere along the line.
I can’t promise I’ll post more often just yet, but I can promise that I will be writing. I’m not finished. This is a lifelong goal I am going to carry on with.
I’m not letting myself down anymore.
Thanks for waiting for me.